Cowboy SEAL Healing Read online

  He hadn’t learned to trust himself again, but maybe if he worked on trusting others, the self part would come naturally. Either way, he needed to go. He’d said what he’d needed to, and they’d take it step by step.

  See where the future took them since he wasn’t going to run away from it.

  But she was here, in his arms. So, he kissed her again, a promise of all the lines they’d get to cross later. Sinking into it as she melted to him. He didn’t care what steps he had to build, if they led to her and this...he would face the fear, the worry, the doubt.

  He’d find a way to stay put through all of it. For her. And for himself. Because maybe he’d never been a particularly good one, but why shouldn’t a man who’d been afforded all this build the best life out of it he could?

  He pulled away, and couldn’t keep the smile off his face—a strange change for him. But he grinned as he set her back and away from him, so he wasn’t tempted to give in again.

  “That’ll tide me over until I’m no longer a member of Revival Ranch.” It had been his armor for so long. Hiding here. Running away from what he owed Bailey. From what he couldn’t seem to do for her. Running away from having to make a choice, from having to build a life that might be another challenge.

  But damn it, it would be more than survival.

  Viv had said once all they’d wanted for Jack was to get better for himself. And maybe that was the key Eli had been missing all these years.

  Building something for himself.

  “Better go.” No matter how much he wanted to say. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She nodded, and she stood there in the doorway as he walked back to his truck. She watched him drive away, haloed by lights, and for once in his life, Eli looked forward to something new.

  Chapter Ten

  Vivian walked into her cabin after breakfast cleanup. Even before last night she’d told Eli he had the day off as long as his sister was here, so she hadn’t seen him.

  Hadn’t seen him since he’d kissed her.

  Her heart thumped out of beat just thinking about it. She’d been so angry with him this afternoon. That he’d act like everyone was against him when so many people wanted only the best for him.

  Including herself. And she’d had to wonder all night, and now all morning without him, if she was really that best. She understood him, because she just did and because she had some insight into the mind of a former soldier with PTSD. By God she was attracted to the man.

  But she didn’t know what he wanted for a future, and the problem was, neither did Eli.

  Shouldn’t he want to go back to Oklahoma and his sister he loved so much? Shouldn’t he want to strike out somewhere in the world that made sense to him? Shouldn’t he make his way through a variety of women until he found the exact right one. Like Goldilocks.

  Maybe she was just Papa Bear.

  She scowled deeply at the thought. But she had to shove all those thoughts away when she walked into her cabin.

  A sea of wrapping paper, ribbons, and female chatter greeted her. Becca and Monica were spread on the floor and Rose sat on the couch rubbing her rounded belly and looking miserable.

  “Thanks for letting us invade your space like this,” Becca said, though she held scissors between her teeth like a scabbard. “Alex made fun of me for thinking Dane would ever remember seeing me wrap his Santa presents, but you just don’t know.”

  “And Colin is a snoop. But he can’t snoop here,” Monica said. “So, it works out. We appreciate it.”

  “Any time. It’s nice to have all this Christmas paraphernalia about. I’ve been so focused on food and menus I haven’t done much more than put lights up.”

  “Well, then you’re working too hard,” Becca said with a frown. “Maybe we need to hire some more help for you. I know you’ve got one of the guys helping out in the kitchen, but—”

  “I like the work,” Vivian said. “I like being busy. And you’ve made the entire ranch feel like a Christmas card, so no worries there.”

  Becca sighed happily. “I love Christmas.”

  Rose only grunted. Monica and Becca exchanged looks that spoke of a mix of worry and frustration.

  “Rose,” Monica began in that careful, therapist tone.

  Rose launched herself out of the chair. “Don’t start pecking at me too.” She winced and supported her belly with a hand. “I’m going home. I’ll get Gabby’s presents later.”

  They all tried to argue with her, but she struggled to get her coat on, ignored all their protests, and left Vivian’s cabin in a huff.

  “What’s with her?” Vivian asked.

  “The final month of pregnancy grumps. And I really don’t think she’s feeling well,” Monica said.

  “Well, go after her. Leave the mess. I’ll clean it up and hide the presents.”

  “Viv, you really don’t have to.”

  “She shouldn’t be tromping around in the snow by herself if she doesn’t feel well. I could go after her, but you both know she’ll listen to you more than me. I’ll just get the ‘you’ve never been pregnant’ excuse and be told I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

  That at least got Monica out the door.

  “I’m going to clean this up,” Becca said resolutely. “It isn’t fair to leave you with—” She was cut off by her phone beeping and she pulled it out of her pocket. She read the text message with a grown. “Animal emergency.” Becca groaned. “I swear to God, if Ron Swanson is on the roof again...” She blew out a breath. “Jack’s on kid duty. Alex is in the field. Maybe Gabe—”

  “Bec. Go take care of your goat. I’ll clean up the mess. Maybe I’ll steal some wrapping paper to wrap my own gifts.”

  Becca frowned. “I know you’re just saying that to get me out of here, but you better use some of that paper. Just not the stuff I used for Dane and Gabriella because that’s Santa paper. Okay?”

  “Got it.”

  Viv finally managed to usher Becca out. Then she simply leaned against the door.

  Santa and goats on roofs and friends and care and...

  She wanted to cry. This was her place. She belonged here. It made her feel all the things she’d been missing at home. She belonged here and...

  She wanted to build something with Eli. Take him by the hand and help him learn how. But maybe this wasn’t his place. Maybe he didn’t feel what she felt here. And if that were true, she’d have to let him go.

  For the both of them.

  *

  “Eli.”

  Eli immediately recognized his sister’s voice. She was running a little late, so he’d been trying to reach her cell. But when he’d stepped out of his bunk, there she was. Running from a car parked next to the trucks. She flung herself at him and he caught her and held on. His throat got tight when she cried into his shoulder.

  “God, I’ve missed you. Look at you.” She squeezed as he let her down. “Look at you! My God, you’ve finally put on some weight.”

  “Yeah, we’ve got quite the cook.”

  “I’m sorry I’m late. All this damn snow. I’m driving like an old lady all the way from the airport. We’ve got that appointment to talk to Monica and—”

  “She’ll understand, B. Take a breath.”

  “My aren’t you mister relaxed,” she said with a laugh, leaning her head on his shoulder as she walked with him, her arm tucked around his. Almost like she was afraid he’d disappear if she didn’t hold on.

  He inhaled. He’d thought about it, hadn’t he? Disappear from everyone. But if nothing else, that was the one thing he was promising her right now—even if it was only in his head—he wasn’t going to run away anymore.

  Since this was a family session, they didn’t meet Monica in the stables. They met in the office at the main house that had a separate entrance. Monica was waiting for them, but when she ushered them in, she didn’t sit down.

  “I’m going to let you guys talk alone, and then I’ll come back in a little bit and we’ll discuss every
thing together.”

  She was giving him time to tell Bailey himself. That she thought he was ready. That come the new year, he was ready to make a new life.

  Build the life he wanted. And much like last night with Viv, Eli simply didn’t have the words. “They want me to leave.”

  Bailey blinked, then looked immediately furious. “What do you mean?”

  Eli swallowed. “Wrong choice of words, I guess. Monica says I’m ready. That I can manage all my...stuff. On my own. Or at least independently of Revival.”

  Everything in Bailey softened. Her eyes got teary. “Really?”

  She looked so happy. So relieved. He’d convinced himself that she hadn’t had to worry about him here. That he’d been far away and she could just live her life without him.

  But this was his oldest sister. He’d been at a rehabilitation ranch. Of course she’d worried. He’d just let his own fear blind him to that.

  “I’m sorry. I...” He cleared his throat. Maybe it was hard to find the words, but if he owed them to anyone, it was his sister. “I’m sorry I didn’t always want to or try very hard to... I’ve made this harder than it had to be. I’m sorry. I—”

  Bailey reached forward and grabbed his hands. “You came here, Eli. I know a lot of people who wallow in their misfortune, and their pain. Maybe they never had the option to get out, but they sink into it and make everyone who loves them miserable. You came here. You did that. And I know you did it for me, or at least convinced yourself you did. But if you’ve figured out to do anything for yourself, I don’t care how long it took. As long as you're happy.”

  Was he happy? He didn’t know. But he felt like he had the potential to be happy. And that would mean... Not just apologizing to Bailey, but really getting to a point where they were on even ground. Where she didn’t feel responsible for him anymore. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “You didn’t, honey. You scared me. Not for myself, but for you. For your future. All I ever wanted was for you to have a future.”

  Just like Viv had said. For so long he couldn’t picture one, but things had changed. Healing. From therapy. From friendship. From Viv. She’d given him a light to hold onto all the other things for.

  Eli sucked in a breath. “I don’t think I can come back to Oklahoma. I hate it.”

  “That’s okay. I’d love to have you close, of course, but I’d rather you be somewhere that makes you happy.”

  “I don’t want to ditch you. I’ve done so much of that—”

  “You haven’t. I’m proud of what you did in the army. What you’ve done here. You never asked me to take care of you, Eli. Not like Mom and Dad. You went out and made your own life. That’s what I want for both of us. And actually... I have to tell you something.” Bailey pulled a chain from under her shirt. Hanging from it was a ring. “I met this guy.”

  Eli’s eyebrows raised. As an adult, he wasn’t sure he’d seen his sister look anything other than tired, sad, or scared. But she practically glowed now looking at this ring on a chain.

  She cleared her throat and looked up from the ring. “His name is Adam. He, uh, asked me to marry him.”

  “So, why aren’t you wearing the ring?”

  She swallowed, some of that glow dimming. “I haven’t said yes yet.”

  “Why not? You love the guy?”

  “Yeah, I do. It’s just... Eli, he’s... He’s got a college education. He’s been to London. He has this real job with a 401k. He has a house. A really, really nice house. I don’t... I can’t...”

  “You’re afraid you’re not good enough?”

  “No, I...” But he watched his question really sink in, as if she’d never realized that’s what was holding her back. “I guess...maybe.”

  “Bailey, you’ve got one of the best hearts I’ve ever known. You worked your ass off for me. You took care of Mom and Dad when they didn’t do the same for you—and you did that without letting it make you bitter—and I know a lot of people who let our circumstances make them bitter. Who wallow in that. You never did. I don’t know the guy, but he’s going to have to prove to me he’s good enough for you.”

  Bailey let out a shaky breath. “My, that’s a lot of sincere words out of you, Eli. You really have made leaps and bounds here in the past few months.”

  Yes, he had. And it was hard. None of this came easy, but he’d finally got it through his thick skull running away might be easy, but it didn’t fix anything. The problems came right along with him. So, it was time to say some other things Bailey deserved.

  “I love you, Bailey. And I’d be dead without you. That’s the God’s honest truth.”

  Her mouth trembled, but she didn’t cry. She took a few breaths and then tried to smile. “So, no matter where you decide to go, you’ll come to the wedding and walk me down the aisle?”

  “With bells on.”

  Monica came back in and they talked about next steps. About the future. About how Revival would always be here for them if they needed it. Them. It was something about how Monica didn’t make it just about him that really got through to him.

  Eli walked out of the session with his sister...really believing it.

  Viv was walking across the yard toward the cafeteria. Probably getting ready to start lunch.

  Eli watched her as she spotted them, came to a stop, then changed course. Heading straight for them. Her dark hair flying behind her, a long Christmas red skirt a bright beacon against the snow.

  He cleared his throat. “About your wedding? I might need a plus one.”

  “Really?” Bailey said. “Well, well, well.”

  “Hi,” Viv greeted breathlessly.

  “Viv, this is my sister Bailey.”

  It didn’t surprise Eli at all that Viv threw her arms around Bailey and squeezed in greeting—though clearly it surprised Bailey.

  “Eli has told me so much about you! I can’t believe you’re here. Oh, isn’t that a pretty ring! Is it an heirloom? You guys have to come to lunch. It’s not the Christmas special yet, but it’s still pretty good if I do say so myself. When did you get here? Oh, you probably—”

  “Viv.”

  “Huh? Oh, right. Sorry. I talk a mile a minute when I’m excited. I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you.”

  “I wish I could say the same. Eli hasn’t mentioned you. Or anyone here,” Bailey hurried on.

  Viv waved that away. “Oh, that doesn’t surprise me. You have to pry information out of him with a crowbar.”

  “Yes, I suppose you do.”

  “I’ve got to get lunch started, but I want time to really talk. I need terribly embarrassing childhood stories about him before you leave. It’s a must.”

  Bailey laughed. “Well, okay.”

  “Great. I’ll see you soon.” She squeezed Eli’s arm then was charging off toward the cafeteria.

  She’d made that feel normal. Like it was just how it should be. Because it was. Because she was.

  “You’re in love with her,” Bailey said. Awed.

  And even though that gave Eli a bolt of discomfort, he couldn’t take his eyes off of Viv’s retreating form. “I don’t know how to be in love with anyone.”

  “Well, then trust me. You’re in love with her.” Bailey fiddled with her ring. “And I think we’re both ready to figure out how to be in love with someone. The right someone.”

  The right someone. He supposed, yet again, his big sister was right.

  Chapter Eleven

  Christmas Eve dinner was a success. Vivian flitted between tables. She wiped baby’s faces, and took compliments gracefully. She sat with Bailey for a little while and collected little funny stories about Eli like they were jewels she would treasure forever.

  He looked so uncomfortable and yet never tried to stop Bailey. It was a treasure. Especially when he held her hand under the table like they were two middle schoolers who didn’t quite know what to do with care and wanting.

  But Vivian knew what to do with it. Or she’d thought she had. But
it was so big and overwhelming and she was exhausted.

  And it was Christmas Eve. Tomorrow would be another long day of food prep and family and, well, her and Eli would sort themselves out once Bailey went home again and she had a free moment to think.

  Surely.

  “Need a hand?”

  Vivian looked up from the piles of dirty dishes and leftovers to pack up. Eli stood in the doorway. He wore dark jeans and a button-up shirt in a dark green that she figured his sister must have bought for him. She’d never seen him in anything but ranch clothes.

  He looked almost...debonaire.

  “I don’t want to take you away from your sister.”

  “She said she needed to lay down for approximately twenty-four hours after the sugar coma you gave her.”

  Vivian grinned. “The highest compliment.”

  “So, can I help?”

  “Sure. Sure.” Why did she feel so nervous? Like her heart was going to escape her throat. It was just Eli. Who’d helped her in the kitchen a million times before. Just because he cared about her now didn’t change anything.

  Or it changes everything.

  But Eli just rolled up his sleeves and started cleaning up. Scraping plates the way he usually did. So, this was normal and she needed to stop acting like it was momentous.

  She managed to jerk her brain back into gear and moved to the dishwasher so she could load it. They worked in silence for she didn’t know how long, Christmas lights twinkling and only the sounds of dishes being scraped and put in the dishwasher.

  “I got a job,” he eventually said.

  She stared at him, but he was methodically scraping plates. “A job! Eli, that’s amazing!” She narrowly resisted throwing her arms around his neck. He was keeping a very careful distance from her. Or maybe she was from him. She didn’t know. There was just this strange wall between them and she didn’t know how to be the one to breach it.

  A job. It was great, but that was... She tried very hard to sound casual as she kept her focus on the dishes. “Where is this job?”

  “In a diner kitchen. Line cook. Nothing special, but I kind of like working in a kitchen. Who would have guessed.”