Cowboy SEAL Healing Page 8

  He couldn’t get a job off the ranch. It wasn’t feasible. And he wasn’t planning on leaving the ranch. Ever. This was the safe place he couldn’t hurt anyone.

  While some guys dreamed of rehabilitation and going back to home towns and families, Eli planned to stay here for as long as possible. He would not dream of a life beyond this. He’d had that his first year out of the Navy, and it had not gone well. Maybe he could move into a bunk with the guys, maybe he could relax around Viv, but he could not leave Revival. This place was what kept him from being the man he’d been back in Oklahoma.

  So, he really needed to throw that application away. And would, after his therapy session. He’d tear it up and toss it and be done with the silly thought there was some life for him out there.

  Everything that had happened back home proved to him there wasn’t. He walked into his session with Monica distracted. Unsettled. If she noticed, she didn’t bring it up. They washed down the horses together.

  “Your sister is coming tomorrow,” she finally said.

  “Yeah.” Three days of Bailey here for Christmas. He’d been looking forward to it... Now something far closer to dread settled in his stomach. Christmas and Bailey. Vivian flitting around. Christmas lights and snow baseball games and job applications. It was all getting to be too much.

  He desperately needed a retreat. His cabin alone. Some silence. Some time to think away from all this life.

  “I’d like to have a group session with you and her before she leaves.”

  Eli nodded. He’d figured as such. The times Bailey had visited in the past they’d done the same. Didn’t mean he looked forward to it, but he could endure it.

  “I think it’s only fair to warn you that I’m recommending you graduate from Revival, and move back into independent life.”

  “What?” It was like a cymbal crash. Glass breaking all around him. Leave Revival? Just when he’d gotten his feet under him. “I just...it’s only been a few weeks.”

  “You’re ready, Eli. You’re not a danger to yourself or others. Your nightmares are manageable. You self-regulate, aren’t destructive, and your anxiety has been non-existent for months. Nothing about the move has changed that. In fact, it’s only made all of those things more true.” Each word was calm, direct, and tore at something he thought he’d been building.

  “Here. All of that is true here.”

  “Here is not some special, magical place. The healing you did here can be extended anywhere. Montana. Oklahoma. The North Pole. It doesn’t matter where you are, Eli. It matters that you’ve done the work. You could always continue to see a therapist outside of Revival, but I’m telling you. You’re ready for a life outside of here. I want you and Bailey to work together to start planning for that.”

  “I could regress.” He would. There was no doubt. The thing that had led him here wasn’t gone. It would never, ever be gone.

  “You could. Anyone could. But you’d know what to do. You know what signs to look for and how and where to get help. What you need to figure out, what we need to discuss, is what it is that you’re afraid of. Is it really yourself? Or is it what’s waiting for you once you leave this place?”

  Nothing was waiting for him. He didn’t want Oklahoma. He didn’t want...

  “I still... It isn’t gone. I’m not fixed. I think about destroying things. I think about hurting people. I—”

  “That’s normal, Eli. We all have self-destructive thoughts, doubts, anger and frustration—PTSD or not. All of us. It’s how we deal with those thoughts that are the measure of if we’re ready to handle what life deals us. Eli, you’re ready to stop hiding. You know that. Deep down, you know that. It’s scary, but it’s the next step.”

  He stood, shaking with a rage she claimed was normal. “I am not ready. I’m not hiding.”

  “Eli, you are always hiding. Or running away. It’s why you came here. Not because you were violent, but because you didn’t know how to start your life over. I believe you’re finally ready to build something. I hope that after you talk to Bailey, you can meet me here. In this belief.”

  “I won’t. Ever.”

  Monica nodded, if sadly. “Okay. We’ll talk about it with Bailey.”

  “No. No, we’re not putting that burden on her.”

  “Then you have until tomorrow to figure out what you’re going to do about it.” With that, Monica did something she’d never done before. She was the first one to exit the stables, leaving him with an ultimatum.

  One he couldn’t refuse.

  Chapter Nine

  Eli entered the kitchen, a clear storm. Vivian raised her eyebrows at him. “What’s wrong?” She’d rarely seen him angry. He was grumpy and gruff, but this was anger. Like that afternoon she’d found him packing to leave.

  “Monica’s trying to kick me out.”

  Viv stopped what she was doing. Kick him out? She knew that wasn’t true. But Eli had changed these past few months. He was engaging. He was, well, what all the soldiers eventually came here hoping they’d be.

  Functioning.

  “I don’t think that’s ‘kicking out’. I think that’s rehabilitated. This is a rehabilitation facility, Eli. No one is meant to stay forever.” But she didn’t want him gone. Selfishly.

  Eli shook his head. “No one understands.”

  “Try me.” When he tried to move around her she took his hand and held firm. “Tell me.”

  “You don’t even know why I’m here in the first place.”

  “So, tell me,” she repeated.

  “I beat this guy up. I couldn’t stop. Bailey tried to stop me, but I pushed her off me. I hurt multiple people and I did not want to stop. That’s why I’m here. I can’t stop.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  “Exactly. So, just back off.” He shook his hand away from her grasp.

  “Why? You wouldn’t do anything like that again.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “It was your low point. You immediately got help. You felt remorse. You didn’t excuse it. You haven’t forgiven yourself. It eats you up. So, I really don’t think you’d repeat it, not after so long.”

  “I’ll never know that for sure. It’s in me. It’s possible. So, I’ll never be sure I won’t repeat it.”

  Vivian frowned. “You’ve told all this to Monica.”

  “Of course I have. She doesn’t get it. She wants to send me back out there and she’s wrong.”

  “She is the trained therapist. Maybe she does get it, Eli. Maybe you should trust her.”

  “You know who I should tell? I should tell Jack. He’d want me the hell away from you.”

  It was a sharp jab, and probably meant to be. She didn’t want it to hurt, didn’t want to crumple in front of him. So, she lifted a chin. “If you really want to stay away from me, feel free. Your time in the kitchen is almost up anyway. You can avoid me all you please.”

  “Don’t get all huffy.”

  “Huffy? Huffy?” She shouldn’t get angry. He was going through something that had nothing to do with her, even if he was lashing out at her. But, it hurt. “I thought we were friends.”

  “I don’t have friends. This was a... a...”

  And that did it. Because of course he had friends. Not just her but Levi and Drake. And maybe a therapist wasn’t a friend, but he had Monica working with him. He had a sister who loved him.

  How dare he negate all that.

  “You know what the sad thing is, Eli? There are actually people out there who have no one. They don’t have a sister, or guys like them, or a woman that cares about him though God knows why. They have nothing and no one. You have all those things, but you push them away with both hands. And before you tell me that it’s because you’re dangerous, your therapist says you’re not. I say you’re not. I’m guessing all the guys you live with say you’re not. So, you are the only one causing your problems.”

  “Says the girl with no problems.”

  “Yeah, life has dealt you a shitt
y hand and I don’t know what that’s like. I really don’t. Life has been especially kind to me. I understand that, Eli. But I’ve got basic human empathy. Your life is harder. Yes, it is. You win. That doesn’t mean I can’t care about you.”

  “You don’t know me.”

  “You really think you’re such a closed book? You love your sister. You’re a perpetual martyr because if you weren’t, you’d have to grieve. You’d have to build and believe in it, and that’s what you’re really scared of. That you don’t know how to build a life because no one ever taught you or showed you. You’ve said all those things to me without actually saying them. And all it takes is listening and caring to put it together. You’re not great mystery, Eli. Your tragedy doesn’t even make you unique. All these men around you understand. Or would. If you’d let them.”

  “You shouldn’t care about me, Vivian.”

  Of all the things she’d said, that was his only response. She threw the towel into the sink and stormed for the door. “Too damn late, asshole.”

  *

  Well, that had gone worse than expected. And with Bailey coming tomorrow...

  He couldn’t leave this place. What was Monica thinking? He couldn’t do anything right. He’d taken his anger at Monica out on Vivian—who didn’t deserve it.

  There was no choice but to leave. He’d go away. Leave all of it behind. Head for Alaska where no one could ever find him. He’d drive one of the trucks to the bus station, then leave the keys behind.

  He’d leave all his stuff here. His wallet was in his pocket. He didn’t need anything else. He’d just go.

  Panic beat in him so loud no reasonable thought got through. He signed out one of the trucks and drove. He ignored the voice telling him Bailey was coming. Telling him he couldn’t do this, disappoint, worry, and hurt her like this.

  He drove.

  But as he drove down Main Street in Blue Valley, he slowed. There was the diner. The Help Wanted sign was still there and he still had the application in his pocket.

  He’d filled it out last night. Telling himself it was stupid the whole time. But he’d done it. Told himself to crumple it up and throw it away. But he’d folded it up and put it in his pocket.

  Without fully thinking the movement through, he parked in the lot next to the diner. He’d just get a coffee. To go. That was all. He’d need it to get to Alaska as soon as possible.

  He approached the front and then just...stood there. For so long, the cop who’d been sitting at the counter pushed out of the door and approached him. “You need something?”

  Eli shook his head.

  “You’re up at Revival, right? I’m Garrett Averly. Nate’s brother.”

  “Right. Yeah, I’ve seen you up there. I’m not...” He knew this guy was standing there thinking Eli was a danger to everyone. He pulled the application out of his pocket. “Just working up the nerve to turn this in. Not thinking about doing anything wrong.”

  “Ah. Well, Georgia won’t bite. Promise.” Then he gave him a little nudge inside.

  Eli moved toward the counter feeling like walking through quicksand. He wasn’t doing this. He couldn’t do this.

  “Hi, there. What can I help you with?” Georgia was a small woman who moved with the speed of a Tasmanian devil. Her smile was kind as if she had no idea he’d been lurking outside like some kind of lunatic.

  “Oh, you have an application! Awesome.” She held out a hand and Eli had no choice but to give it to her.

  She skimmed it. “You’re at Revival?”

  “Yeah.” And that was going to be it. She was going to label him the crazy ex-soldier and he’d just go to the bus station and—

  “Perfect. I’ll be able to trust your references then. I don’t care so much about skills, those can be learned. But I do need someone I can trust. I’ll talk to Alex and get back to you, okay?”

  “Sure. Yeah. Okay.”

  “Great. Good to meet you, Eli.”

  “Yeah. Yeah. Okay.”

  “Merry Christmas,” she said, and then zoomed off to refresh some old guy’s coffee.

  Eli forced himself to turn around and walk for the door.

  He’d given her an application,. She was going to call Alex.

  He moved out of the diner in the same strange fugue state he’d gone in. The cop still stood there outside, pretending to survey the town, but Eli got the strangest feeling he was making sure he’d gone through with it.

  “Um, thanks for the nudge.”

  “Any time.” Then he gave a nod and headed off for his patrol car.

  It was a nice town. Full of connections like that. Alex had grown up here, and people trusted him. Nate Averly had grown up here, gone to war, and come back. His brother was the sheriff. Rose and her sisters had all grown up here and despite the rumors he’d heard about their childhood, two of them were still here. Raising families.

  Making something of their lives.

  He’d wanted to believe he could remove himself from his life. He’d tried.

  You’re always running away.

  Anyone else would have been thrilled Vivian Armstrong cared about them. Thrilled to be rehabilitated so his sister could stop worrying about him. Anyone else would be happy about the positive forward motion of their life.

  Why can’t you be?

  Vivian had said no one had ever showed him how to build a life and...she was right. Childhood had been about survival. He’d blamed his parents for that, but maybe they’d never had a chance. Even poor Bailey was just always trying to scrape by.

  And he had...a life within his grasp and he wanted to drive to Alaska.

  He got into the truck.

  He didn’t want to go to Alaska. He wanted to stay right here. But Monica wanted to kick him out.

  You know that’s not what she wants.

  She wanted him to build a life. Do that thing she claimed he was scared of, and Vivian claimed he didn’t know how to do because no one had ever given him a chance to learn how.

  Because you always run away.

  And he couldn’t deny it when he’d been on his way to Alaska. He always, always ran away. Maybe that had been okay when he’d gone to the Army. It had ended up giving him a discipline and an order he’d needed.

  He’d run away here, and maybe that was even okay because he’d found a healing against his will.

  But he couldn’t run away from Bailey again. And he couldn’t run away from Vivian now. Because the truth was he was never running away from anyone so much as himself.

  But himself always came with him. And truth be told, the guy working in Viv’s kitchen, playing snow baseball and going to bars with his friends, wasn’t such a bad guy to be.

  If he stayed, he could have all that. All he had to do was learn how to build.

  When he got back to the ranch, it was dark. Christmas lights twinkled everywhere. He didn’t park the truck. He drove across the property to the little cabin he knew was where Vivian lived.

  Much like when he’d run away, he didn’t think. He didn’t try to figure out how to do this.

  He just did it.

  He knocked on her door. She opened it, the light inside haloing her like it had done that afternoon in his solitary cabin. Her expression was all confusion.

  “Eli.”

  He had no words. There was nothing but a tide of feeling inside of him. So he kissed her.

  Really kissed her. He pulled her to him and let go of everything. The fear, the want. That panic that he couldn’t do this, and the desperate, bone deep need to do this. To find some way to make her understand how much she’d given him, and how much he wanted to give her.

  Her arms came around his neck. Soft and sweet. Just...Vivian. Like she belonged here, in his arms, mouth fused to his.

  “I don’t have the words,” he said, against her mouth, his hands still on her waist. “I’m not sure I’ll ever have the words.”

  “That was pretty good as far as non verbal communication goes.” She blinked her eyes op
en, green glowing in the warm light. She sighed. Sadly. “Eli... I need you to understand, I have to keep a line—”

  “I know. As long as I’m here there are lines we shouldn’t cross.”

  She nodded, but she didn’t move away. Didn’t unwrap her arms from around him.

  “But I won’t be, much longer.”

  She swallowed, her arms around him tightening just a little bit. “You’ll go home?” He thought she was trying to sound cheerful, but it didn’t hit her usual mark.

  “I don’t want to go back to Oklahoma.” It was the one thing he was sure of. But maybe he didn’t have to go home to Oklahoma. Maybe... If he got that job at the diner...

  She smiled up at him, though there was something in her eyes that didn’t quite match. “You don’t have to decide everything. It’s a process. If here isn’t where you belong, I shouldn’t change that.”

  You changed everything.

  She pulled her arms away, but her hands slid down his shoulders. “We’ll take it one step at a time, okay?” She said, and he couldn’t read that careful expression, but her hands were still wrapped around his arms. “First step, Christmas. Your sister will come and you guys will talk to Monica and... Well, step by step.”

  It had been a process. A lot of steps, not all of them involving her. But she’d been there for the ones that mattered, and that was the thing Eli couldn’t turn away from or run away from.

  “And you’ll introduce me to your sister.”

  “Yeah, I will.”

  She nodded. “Good.”

  “I do care about you, Vivian.”

  Her smile widened. “Good.”

  “And I appreciate that you care about me. And that you’d think I could be a good man.”

  “You are a good man,” she said, firmly. Fiercely.

  “You were right that no one ever... I don’t know how to build anything. I’d rather run away. The army. Here. But... I don’t want to run away from you.”

  “Well, it’s good I’ve always known how to build something that lasts. I’ll teach you.”

  She seemed so sure. So steady. And he should...trust that. Because Vivian was as strong as she was beautiful. She’d come here to build a life because she’d wanted to do something good. And with every meal, she did.